Duvet
By: Tori Morris
Disclaimers: I am a poor poor girl. The characters belong to Paramount, Avatar
and the related relaunch things belong to Pocket Books. The song 'Duvet', better
known as the Theme from Serial Experiments Lain, belongs to the artists, BOA.
This started out as something completely different, and I kept the lyrics in,
despite the fact that they no longer verbally echo the fic in the way a good
songfic should. It's just so entwined into the fic on a subconscious level,
I can't get rid of them. These are not the complete lyrics, just the bits I
feel fit.
Spoilers: For anything after Life Support, and Avatar pt2 of the DS9 Relaunch.
Thanks to: Tracy of the DS9 Lexicon/Encyclopedia, for providing me with scripts
about Odo/Kira.. And just to J.M. Rolls in general, for inspiring me.
***
Colonel Kira Nerys sat in the replimat, watching as below her, Bajorans from
all parts of the station gathered to attend the funeral of Riloa Shelin. Nerys
hadn't known the woman that well. She'd been on the station a few years, made
a small niche for herself in the station's daily activities as the elderly grandmother
of a young engineer in the militia. But according to all who knew her, she had
been quite the character. As the people below filed into the Temple, Nerys found
herself wishing she could go, and offer her own sympathies to Riloa Farel. Her
index finger traced the curve of her mug, but she kept her hand on the mug.
She wouldn't show her weakness in this, by letting go to touch her bare ear.
She dropped her gaze to watch the raktajino in her cup swirl with the slight
movements of her hand. A young Bajoran woman and her little daughter stood up
across from her, the mother using quick clucking noises to urge the youngster
to hurry up. The mother didn't even spare a glance for Kira, but her daughter
did, the girl's lower lip trembling as if she might open up and say something.
But the movement passed all too quickly, with the mother urging the girl forward
and towards the temple.
Kira watched the girl and her mother disappear into the knot of busy people
on the Promenade and swallowed a memory of another funeral, in another place
and time.
***
She didn't know what she felt. She had poured her heart out to his prone form
for over three hours, until his pagh gradually slipped from his failing body.
If someone had asked her, a few weeks before, what she would do if Bareil died,
she would have thought about it, and said that she would cry. But she had spent
her tears, the good ones and the bad, before he had even gone. And after that,
she had chanted, until she couldn't force the words out of her mouth any more,
and Bashir had sent her home. And now she was dry, and tired. Empty.
It wasn't fair, she wanted to scream, if only she could wet her mouth enough
to force the words out. She had gone hungry, sleepless, forced back the physical
pain for so many years. Didn't she deserve a little happiness, after all she
had helped to do?
And she knew it was unfair, and it was wrong of her to think it. The Prophets
chose the time, not she. It was his choice. But, he could have stayed. He could
have stayed.
And now she was in her quarters. She didn't exactly remember how she got here,
except that it had been quickly, with the least amount of pity possible. The
lights were dark-- she could barely see the ceiling above her, and it was so
quiet. She had shut everything off-- she didn't want to talk to anyone. Least
among them the Doctor, or the Kai. She would have to see them, eventually. But
not now.
***
And you don't seem to understand,
A shame, you seemed an honest man,
And all the fears you hold so dear,
Will turn to whisper in your ear.
***
She didn't remember when she went to sleep. Only that when she woke, she was
hungry. It wasn't a particularly inspiring time to eat, but Nerys had never
exactly been the kind to curl up in a corner. She was a fighter, and it was
this instinct alone that made her replicate some helin, a soft Bajoran dish
made of mashed Kava roots. 'He's gone. Living starts now,' she thought as she
stirred the thick and comforting glob with her spoon. She poked and prodded
at it for several minutes before the soft whooshing of the door made her look
up.
The changeling, her friend, Odo, hovered in the doorway as if embarrassed to
even be there.
And surprisingly, she wasn't annoyed, or upset, that he had barged in, probably
with his security codes, she reasoned. She couldn't bring herself to smile,
but she could talk. "Hey Odo." She let her spoon fall to the side
of the bowl. "I guess you were worried."
He gave a faint grunt of agreement along with a slight nod, relief visible in
his crystal blue eyes. He continued to hover at the doorway, as if he'd leave
as soon as she gave the barest sign she didn't want him talking to her.
"Well, you might as well come in, now that you're here." She said,
halfheartedly, but secretly glad it was him. She loved her other friends as
just as much, but she didn't know if she could handle one of Jadzia's comforting
stories about a past host, or if she wanted the Emissary to volunteer to reopen
his past wounds for her sake.
He looked uncomfortable, but he did as she asked, and behind him the door slid
shut. He pulled out a chair, and sat down across from her. He looked as though
he genuinely didn't know what to say, and for that she was grateful. It was
likely he had picked up a couple of the comforting, pat phrases that every species
seemed to keep for instances like this, and that she wasn't particularly in
the mood to hear. He seemed content to sit there and watch her while she poked
at her food. Somehow, it didn't bother her.
Finally, he spoke. "I'm sorry. I'm supposed to say something, but...."
She looked up from her bowl of halin. "It's ok. I'd rather you didn't tell
me how sorry you are for me, or that you're sure Bareil's in a better place.
Or any of that really." She found herself marveling at her own voice, that
it could be so loud when she felt anything but. "I know all that."
He ahhed, and looking at his face she wondered if she'd insisted a little too
vehemently.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. You can stay, I just, don't want
to hear anyone say they know how I feel, because right now, I don't think they
do."
Odo inclined his head, and said, "I had no intention of saying those things."
She nodded then, and said, "So. I haven't checked my subspace messages
yet. What's happening?"
***
And you know what they say might hurt you,
And you know that it means so much,
And you don't even feel a thing,
***
He looked at her, and then looked down. "The Kai took ... his body, down
to Bajor a few hours ago. I wanted her to ask you first, but no one could reach
you, and well, you know as well as I do that no one can stop Kai Winn when she
gets her mind set on something."
She poked at her halin, unresponsive. In truth, she didn't know what to say.
Where Bariel's body went really didn't matter; it wasn't the real Bariel and
even a schoolchild would know that. "I take it she's going to be organizing
the funeral, then?"
He nodded. "She's giving him a state funeral-- all of Bajor has been watching.
The Vedek Assembly passed a resolution a few hours ago, to allow his body into
the Hall of The Divine."
"The Hall of the Divine-- Bajor's highest honor." She managed to mumble
it out. "For the Hero who paid for Peace with his life, I'd imagine."
Odo nodded, silent. Normally, she'd expect a sarcastic, or cynical remark after
her comment, about the nature of the people in there, or the heroism of those
buried there. But there was nothing, probably for her sake. It made her feel
slightly sick, that even Odo would treat her differently.
"So, when is it?" She asked, standing up and picking her now-cold
bowl up. She dumped it in the matter recycler.
"Tomorrow, at eight-hundred our time."
Nerys nodded. Bajoran custom was to dispose of the body first, after the ritual
chant and prayers had been finished over it. Then there was a hearty feast and
a lot of talk about what that person had meant to you, and to the others attending.
In her mind, she could see the funeral already; the vedeks carrying Bareil's
body, wrapped in shrouds, through the stone corridors of the Hall of the Divine,
while she and the others invited below crouched in crevices to watch the vedeks
do their duty.
She could see the remembrance party afterward, too. Sitting around the tables,
eating Bareil's favorite food while being forced to chat with the Kai. That
bothered her more than anything-- she didn't have anything to say to the Kai,
and had even less desire to hear the Kai's smug voice calling her 'child' while
praising Bariel. The man from whom she stole her position, and eventually, his
life.
It suddenly occurred to her that she didn't have to go alone. Any one of her
friends would probably accompany her. "Come with me?" She found herself
asking.
Odo seemed to soften then. He hadn't expected she'd ask, she reasoned. "Of
course." He said, an instant later.
It made her happy to know she wouldn't face the Kai alone, but she couldn't
bring herself to smile. "Well, I'd better go find something to wear."
She said, retreating into her bedroom.
***
And you don't seem the lying kind,
A shame that I can read your mind,
And all the things that I read there,
Candle-lit smile that we both share.
***
Barons do not have a color of mourning. This fact was amusing to xeno-anthropologists
across the quadrant. The fact is, the pagh is invisible, and as such, there
is no color that can represent it. You can feel it, and believe in it, but only
the most daring artists had ever tried to make a visual image of the pagh. And
when your pagh leaves, it should be a joyous event, not one of sorrow. So Kira
chose the dress she wore during the orb vision she held that had first put the
idea of loving Bariel into her head.
They took the Rio Grande, and set it on autopilot for Bajor and the Capital.
Odo did most of the talking. He spoke about his favorite musicians, and she
remembered being faintly surprised that he took such an interest in music. She
hadn't known that before. He also talked about some story he was reading, a
detective novel, from Earth. Later, she would wish she had paid more attention
to what he was talking about then, but she was too wrapped up in her own emotion
to pay much attention to his.
They beamed down a few hours before hand, and walked through the sunlit streets,
where Bajorans of all colors and countries where swarming. Some of them were
talking about Bariel, but all she could remember later was how much she wished
it was raining, or at least cloudy. Odo took her to some of his favorite places
in the Capital to burn off the time, and probably to make her feel better. She
had been here before, but always on business of some sort; first resistance,
and then militia. She had even lived here for a few weeks, but not long enough
to get to know the streets like he had.
And then they went to the funeral. Or actually, Kira went, and Odo sat outside.
He had declined to step into the chambers, and that was fine with the Vedek
in charge, who hadn't been in a hurry to let a d'jarra-less person into the
sacred Hall. Nerys hurried out, so as not to be pulled aside for a little chat
with the Kai. The entire party, made up of vedeks Bariel had known, distant
relatives (the only ones he had left), the Kai, Nerys and her erstwhile changeling
companion made their way over to the Kai's palace, only a short walk away through
her beautiful gardens.
The dining hall of the palace of the Kai was resplendent in glory. There were
other people there, who hadn't been invited to the actual burial. Clusters of
round tables circled the long table that held all of Bariel's favorite foods,
each lit by the light of prayer candles, as design followed down from the centuries,
to mimic the light of the Celestial Temple. Uncomfortably, Nerys and Odo were
rounded up towards the Kai's table.
"Ah, my child," the Kai said, in her aristocratic and reedy manner,
"I'm glad you've decided to sit with me during the feast. She had already
gotten her food by the time Nerys and Odo had gotten to the table. She looked
to the changeling. "And Security Chief Odo, your presence was missed at
the ceremony. I would have thought you would have followed the Major to act
as a comfort to her grief." She looked at his uniform and frowned, as he
hadn't changed into a dress uniform.
Odo bristled slightly, but dipped his head and was about to speak, when Kira
interrupted him. "He felt that the burial was something I need to experience
alone." As she spoke, one of the Kai's servants placed a bottle of springwine
on the table, before a slight head bow and disappearing from whence he came.
"Ah, yes." Odo said for himself, peering at the Kai from his end of
the table. Kira could feel a sarcastic remark coming on, or at the very least,
a 'you humanoids' comment. She shot him a warning look, and then busied herself
cutting the meat in front of her. Odo, however, had no food to use to deflect
conversation.
And the Kai wasn't finished with them, "What a caring sentiment. I must
admit, child, I was baffled at your choice of companion. I thought for sure
you would bring the Emissary, or perhaps the Trill Bariel mentioned so often.
But now, hearing this, I am once again reassured."
"Well, I for one appreciate your faith in me, Eminence." Odo said,
quickly, dark humor coloring his gruff voice. He clasped his hands together
and placed them on the table, where normally, a plate would have been.
Winn raised an eyebrow. The sarcastic manner in which he delivered that had
not escaped her attention. She waited a beat before saying anything, and then
asked, "Odo, I find it odd that you have not taken any of the feast food.
Are you going to disrespect the Vedek's memory?" She reached for the bottle
so recently placed on the table, and poured herself a glass.
"I don't eat, and I hardly think Bariel would be upset by that fact."
He titled his head a little, as if expecting her to correct him.
Meanwhile, Nerys poked at the food on her plate, while trying to stop from being
amused. Bariel was dead, she reminded herself. And while his loss still panged
at her center, and made her ache with the loss, she realized that any other
time she would have loved to see the outcome of the Kai and Odo verbally sparring
at a feast. The Kai took a sip from her glass with her left hand, and then placed
it on the table.
"Perhaps," She said, and then turned from Odo with a little glare
to look at Kira. "Child, you haven't hardly said ten words to me all evening.
I understand, however, that perhaps at this moment you don't feel like the comfort
of your Kai, and that you might, in whatever grief-maddened reasoning, blame
me for Bariel's death. And in that, I can only hope the Prophets will eventually
illuminate the truth for you." Her hand fluttered lightly besides her.
Kira bristled slightly, but before she got the chance to say anything, Odo interrupted,
"Ah, Eminence, you might want to..."
But it was too late. With a resounding wet crash, Kai Winn had knocked over
her glass of wine, and sent it tumbling to the floor. The springwine had soaked
the fabric of her robes down the side, which she clutched as she wrung some
of the wine from them. She looked up and glared at Odo, as if he had been the
cause of her spill. Then, struggling to reclaim her haughty dignity, she said,
"Excuse me, I think I should go clean up."
As soon as Winn was out of earshot, Kira turned to look at Odo, who had leaned
back in his chair. At Kira's look, he sat up again and said, "What? I was
just trying to..."
And she rewarded him with a faint smile in the corner of her lips. It felt uncomfortable
to smile, but it was funny. "It was very clever of you to tip the glass
of springwine on her."
And if he had wanted to object, he stopped when he saw that smile, and simply
nodded, instead.
***
And you know I don't mean to hurt you,
But you know that it means so much.
And you don't even feel a thing.
***
After all these years, it amused Col. Kira Nerys that her memories of Bariel's
funeral were no longer overpoweringly colored with the grief she felt after.
She supposed it was true, what the terrans said-- time does heal all wounds.
She could see now, so easily, how he had been in love with her even then. 'What
a fool I was,' she thought, and then looked down at her mug. It was close to
stone cold.
Making a face, she picked it up and tossed it away. Then, after taking a deep
breath, and glancing one last time towards the Temple, she headed for Ops. There
were things that needed to be done.